Sit back and enjoy the dialogue that ensued between a Nigerian man and an American telemarketer.
Ring.....Ring...Ring
Mr Okoro : Hello?
Telemarketer: Hi, this is Raheema calling from Hollywood Hereafter Resources. I just wanted to let you know that your phone number was randomly selected in a drawing and we have reserved a free burial space for you at the New Island Cemetry in Bridge-
Mr Okoro: What?!!!
Telemarketer : If you would just give me your name and address. I want to send you a letter to confirm the free burial space we have reserved for you---
Mr Okoro: You reserved what for me.....A grave?
Telemarketer: A free burial space
Mr Okoro: What's the difference?
Telemarketer: Well the word "grave" can be scary sir, you can disregard the letter if you don't want it. This is just a courtsey call to---
Mr Okoro: So as a telemarketer, you can pick up the phone and cold call people and pitch them with such offers?
Telemarketer:Well, yes sir. We always make sure it is something of potential interest to them --
Mr Okoro: Of course, who wouldn't be interested in dying? I am definately interested in a grave. I am. That is a very important decision to make before die right?
Telemarketer:I agree with u sir. You are so open-minded about this. A lot of people don't understand why it is so important to hand-pick your final resting place before you pass on. It ensures you get the kind of burial you want for yourself.
Mr Okoro: I see say na u dem send come
Telemarketer: I'm sorry? Send....come?
Mr Okoro: Oh, they don't use the witchdoctor in the village anymore right? They have gone nuclear and now are using Americans. Na you dem send come!
Telemarketer: I'm sorry sir, but i don't know what you are talking about.
Mr Okoro: I get fillage too o! i be proper bush boy and my mama still dey kampe for waterside. Na one phone call e go take and she go run go fillage go get me gold circle condom protection, u hear. Una no dey here say e better for somebody? Why na so-so make una dey spoil person own una dey like?
Telemarketer: I don't understand what you are saying--
Mr Okoro: You go understand by force. Na airmail i go take send winch to you. You hear. Una tink say una know winch just because una dey do halloween? You tink winch na dat abracadabra una dey do for America? You tink na to chant poetry and cook soup with lizard yansh and frog tongue be winch? I go show u where we dey use snake leg do ogbonge juju. Black winch, red winch, multi-colored winch....for my fillage, na your eyes i go take flavor the juju sef. You go know beta winch when my own army land.
Telemarketer: I do apologize to you if my phone call has offended you in any way-
Mr Okoro: You have not offended me. I am not offended. Do i sound offended? Why would i be offended because you- kindhearted telemarketer that you are- reserved a grave for me? Do you know how old i am? 32 . In my country, people don't die at 32. When they die so young, it is a major tragedy! My mother and father are still alive. You want me to die before them?
Telemarketer: I didn't mean anything-
Mr Okoro: You people never mean anything when you make these stupid phone calls. How dare u wish me death--
Telemarketer: No, that's not what --
Mr Okoro: I DON'T CARE!!! Do you know how many years i worked on getting a visa to come to America? 10 Years....Ejioku.....10!. Do u know how many laws i broke in so many countires before i found my way here? I have been here only 2 yrs. All the pepole who gave me loans to buy ticket and visa have not been paid. My mother and father are still waiting for me to perform the magic of Dollars for them in Nigeria. This telephone was just connected 2 months ago because i am just now able to afford a telephone because i cannot make good money due to my illegal alien status. And now, you want me to die before i can even begin to enjoy a little,.....ah, your own don spoil o, i swear , e no go betta for you.
Telemarketer: E no....what?
Mr Okoro: Na hand ya mama and papa go take bury you. And na there eyes dem go take cry for that yeye grave wey u don reserve for yaself.
Telemarketer: Are u cussing me sir?
Mr Okoro: cuss you ke? why should i? why would i want to cuss someone who is offering me a grave? I am only reacting in my own local English. That is how we behave when we are overwhelmed with joy in my country.
Telemarketer: I just had a distinct feeling that you were not saying nice things about me.
Mr Okoro: See dis wowo wey craw-craw don chop him yansh finish....Look, just aside, are all the members of your family reserved space in your graveyard?
Telemarketer: Some of them do have--
Mr Okoro: No, don't stop there. You should get everybody a plot. I go help you use juju finish all of them make una dey go do whassup dog for Hollywood, abi na wey u dey call from
Telemarketer: I have to hang up now sir
Mr Okoro: Before u hang up, would you by any chance know anything about a scam where telemarketers call people on the phone to assure them a free burial space, and then try to get them expensive mausoleums and crypts? What is it call? Bait and switch, right?
Telemarketer: I don't know what you're talking about.
Mr Okoro: You get pickin
Telemarketer: get picking? picking what?
Mr Okoro: You get pickin? u don born bomboy? make you dash your pickin thegrave now
Telemarketer: Dash picking.....you're dissing me?
Mr Okoro: Diss? Dis one pass dis, agaracha. Dis one na K.I.S.S, kiss- serious kiss of the death
Telemarketer: I have to hang up now sir
Mr Okoro: No, please wait. Let me reserve the whole cemetry for your unborn children. I will also reserve a full page in the Daily times Obituary section--
Telemarketer: Thats mean! you can't talk to me like that just because i am a telemarketer. We are people too
Mr Okoro: Yes, bad people....people who call to trick me at all kinds of hours into buying something i don't want.
Telemarketer: I'm going to report you to the INS! You will be deported!
Mr Okoro: My juju go don finish you before you reach the place. Winch pass winch! you no go die betta, i tell you. I go make sure u crase first, make you waka enter k-mart abi wetin una dey call market for dis side- before dem finish you!...... She reserve grave......why you no take knife kill me yaself? E no go betta for ---hello? you hang up? why u no wait make i finish ? why not wait? Oloshi! Na dead dog wey get rabies go chop the mouth you take talk to me.
End
suggested that we both go on a dieting and exercising programme(not that he needs it but he wants them packs)...and the way we'll keep up the momentum is if one of us breaks any of the rules..we'll pay each other...and we are stingy mo' fo's in that house.I just pray to God it works out.At least a couple of Kg's sha..
