exschoolnerd's Xanga

Monday, January 08, 2007

Mon, 08 Jan 2007 10:30:00 GMT

SO LONG, FAREWELL I BID YOU ALL GOODBYE.

Happy new year yawl!!!!

Ehen i now know all the people that care about me...i haven't blogged in two weeks and you lot didn't even bother to find out whether i don kpeme(God forbid)...Infact sef am angry...am angry am nt blogging again....never!

lol.....say who die.

Am moving yall....i've decided it's time to move on....it's been 4 wonderful years in xanga...i started with forreeloriginalgirl and i met loads of wonderful people and moved to exschoolnerd and even met some more amzing people...so xanga has served me well...

Thanks to everyone for your comments and taking the time to read about my rants and the loony thoughts in my head.You all are amazing and i am so blessed.

Exschoolnerd has been fun but i feel i need to take my writing to another level of conciousness.

I am very excited bout this and apologize to those who feel inclined to update their links..

I AM HERE NOW - (www.exschoolnerd.com)

yeah on blogger so yawl can leave me comments now without signing in..hehehe(comment whore)

Thanx again and God bless you all.

oh yeah let me leave u with a parting gift that is sure to crack u up...saw it on a blog online and thought i'd post it fr you all..

The Grave Seller

Sit back and enjoy the dialogue that ensued between a Nigerian man and an American telemarketer.

Ring.....Ring...Ring

Mr Okoro : Hello?

Telemarketer: Hi, this is Raheema calling from Hollywood Hereafter Resources. I just wanted to let you know that your phone number was randomly selected in a drawing and we have reserved a free burial space for you at the New Island Cemetry in Bridge-

Mr Okoro: What?!!!

Telemarketer : If you would just give me your name and address. I want to send you a letter to confirm the free burial space we have reserved for you---

Mr Okoro: You reserved what for me.....A grave?

Telemarketer: A free burial space

Mr Okoro: What's the difference?

Telemarketer: Well the word "grave" can be scary sir, you can disregard the letter if you don't want it. This is just a courtsey call to---

Mr Okoro: So as a telemarketer, you can pick up the phone and cold call people and pitch them with such offers?

Telemarketer:Well, yes sir. We always make sure it is something of potential interest to them --

Mr Okoro: Of course, who wouldn't be interested in dying? I am definately interested in a grave. I am. That is a very important decision to make before die right?

Telemarketer:I agree with u sir. You are so open-minded about this. A lot of people don't understand why it is so important to hand-pick your final resting place before you pass on. It ensures you get the kind of burial you want for yourself.

Mr Okoro: I see say na u dem send come

Telemarketer: I'm sorry? Send....come?

Mr Okoro: Oh, they don't use the witchdoctor in the village anymore right? They have gone nuclear and now are using Americans. Na you dem send come!

Telemarketer: I'm sorry sir, but i don't know what you are talking about.

Mr Okoro: I get fillage too o! i be proper bush boy and my mama still dey kampe for waterside. Na one phone call e go take and she go run go fillage go get me gold circle condom protection, u hear. Una no dey here say e better for somebody? Why na so-so make una dey spoil person own una dey like?

Telemarketer: I don't understand what you are saying--

Mr Okoro: You go understand by force. Na airmail i go take send winch to you. You hear. Una tink say una know winch just because una dey do halloween? You tink winch na dat abracadabra una dey do for America? You tink na to chant poetry and cook soup with lizard yansh and frog tongue be winch? I go show u where we dey use snake leg do ogbonge juju. Black winch, red winch, multi-colored winch....for my fillage, na your eyes i go take flavor the juju sef. You go know beta winch when my own army land.

Telemarketer: I do apologize to you if my phone call has offended you in any way-

Mr Okoro: You have not offended me. I am not offended. Do i sound offended? Why would i be offended because you- kindhearted telemarketer that you are- reserved a grave for me? Do you know how old i am? 32 . In my country, people don't die at 32. When they die so young, it is a major tragedy! My mother and father are still alive. You want me to die before them?

Telemarketer: I didn't mean anything-

Mr Okoro: You people never mean anything when you make these stupid phone calls. How dare u wish me death--

Telemarketer: No, that's not what --

Mr Okoro: I DON'T CARE!!! Do you know how many years i worked on getting a visa to come to America? 10 Years....Ejioku.....10!. Do u know how many laws i broke in so many countires before i found my way here? I have been here only 2 yrs. All the pepole who gave me loans to buy ticket and visa have not been paid. My mother and father are still waiting for me to perform the magic of Dollars for them in Nigeria. This telephone was just connected 2 months ago because i am just now able to afford a telephone because i cannot make good money due to my illegal alien status. And now, you want me to die before i can even begin to enjoy a little,.....ah, your own don spoil o, i swear , e no go betta for you.

Telemarketer: E no....what?

Mr Okoro: Na hand ya mama and papa go take bury you. And na there eyes dem go take cry for that yeye grave wey u don reserve for yaself.

Telemarketer: Are u cussing me sir?

Mr Okoro: cuss you ke? why should i? why would i want to cuss someone who is offering me a grave? I am only reacting in my own local English. That is how we behave when we are overwhelmed with joy in my country.

Telemarketer: I just had a distinct feeling that you were not saying nice things about me.

Mr Okoro: See dis wowo wey craw-craw don chop him yansh finish....Look, just aside, are all the members of your family reserved space in your graveyard?

Telemarketer: Some of them do have--

Mr Okoro: No, don't stop there. You should get everybody a plot. I go help you use juju finish all of them make una dey go do whassup dog for Hollywood, abi na wey u dey call from

Telemarketer: I have to hang up now sir

Mr Okoro: Before u hang up, would you by any chance know anything about a scam where telemarketers call people on the phone to assure them a free burial space, and then try to get them expensive mausoleums and crypts? What is it call? Bait and switch, right?

Telemarketer: I don't know what you're talking about.

Mr Okoro: You get pickin

Telemarketer: get picking? picking what?

Mr Okoro: You get pickin? u don born bomboy? make you dash your pickin thegrave now

Telemarketer: Dash picking.....you're dissing me?

Mr Okoro: Diss? Dis one pass dis, agaracha. Dis one na K.I.S.S, kiss- serious kiss of the death

Telemarketer: I have to hang up now sir

Mr Okoro: No, please wait. Let me reserve the whole cemetry for your unborn children. I will also reserve a full page in the Daily times Obituary section--

Telemarketer: Thats mean! you can't talk to me like that just because i am a telemarketer. We are people too

Mr Okoro: Yes, bad people....people who call to trick me at all kinds of hours into buying something i don't want.

Telemarketer: I'm going to report you to the INS! You will be deported!

Mr Okoro: My juju go don finish you before you reach the place. Winch pass winch! you no go die betta, i tell you. I go make sure u crase first, make you waka enter k-mart abi wetin una dey call market for dis side- before dem finish you!...... She reserve grave......why you no take knife kill me yaself? E no go betta for ---hello? you hang up? why u no wait make i finish ? why not wait? Oloshi! Na dead dog wey get rabies go chop the mouth you take talk to me.

End

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Sat, 23 Dec 2006 10:50:22 GMT

My year in view.

So this is probably my last entry for the year(i said probably oh)..i guess it's a time to look back at 2006..and look forward at 2007..make resolutions and all.You know....i want to be a better brother,better sister,better husband,i want to quit smoking or quit drinking..and fornicating...u know resolutions that we all dont end up keeping..well some of us.But my resolutions have been the same for 3 years in a row which is just to be a better version of the person i was the previous year and try to be more positive and surround myself with positive people and people that make me happy and inspire me.And be more confident,u know raise that confidence bar up a notch.I know i am a lot confident than i was last year so there's been improvement.And hopefully manage to touch someone's life in a positive way this year.Yeah thats basically it. though there are a few things i hope to accomplish

Get back to school and complete my damn course
Lose weight,well my brother suggested that we both go on a dieting and exercising programme(not that he needs it but he wants them packs)...and the way we'll keep up the momentum is if one of us breaks any of the rules..we'll pay each other...and we are stingy mo' fo's in that house.I just pray to God it works out.At least a couple of Kg's sha..
Take my writing to another level e.g write a book, write for a magazine.compose more poetry,showcase my stuff.just be out there..that i accomplished a little,didnt do a good job of that hopefully next year id be able to do that.
Find my happiness...
Get closer to God.
Find peace with my mother and get closer to her(hopefully)

So em thats basically it, this year was pretty tough for me...very tough one of the toughest years..Apart from the fact that i had to leave school for a year due to certain problems...was the other problem i had to deal with from june,july and august that i can't really talk about but threatened my sanity and i thought i was going to lose it.But thanks to the wonderful people..especially L who helped me through those horrid times.

Yeah i started going out with L this year so that was definately a high,i met someone who met all my desires,in whose eyes i looked into and saw love,he didnt even need to say it.Yeah things are sorta on a rough patch but we'll work it out by the grace of God

.I met alot of awesome people...specially online.People that i really cherish and do appreciate even though sometimes it seems like i dont...cause i don't call or text...or chat...or keep in touch...Please please bear with me.You know if i could i would..And when i can i do holler and i promise to improve next year okay.Thanks for being there.Those people who read my blog and tell me how much they love it and how something i've written has inspired them or helped them one way or the other and have urged me to keep writing..Thanks alot...yall make it worth it.

Our precious dog -seargeant pepper passed away this year....That was very sad...because he was the last descendant of one of our favorite dogs chester and princess..So it hurt real bad..and he will be missed.

Some of my favorite entries this year.

Whose porn is it anyway

Whose porn is it anyway2

Blind date from hell

My momma and me pt 1

Fattention

Am coming out with my own music group- threesome

I see dumb girls!

My momma and me pt 2

My crazy family

I love my mum but she's so arrggghh!!!

Conversations with my 13 year old self

The trial of sergeant pepper(my beloved dog)

Conversations of my body parts pt1

Fellowhip at the olabode house

It's been wonderful...see u all next year..hale and hearty.May God see each and every one of us into the next year safely...

One luv have fun this holidays.

love

EXSCHOOLNERD.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Thu, 21 Dec 2006 12:41:47 GMT

TOASTING TOASTING 1..2...3

Am sure ur wondering why am trying to give u a lecture on how to toast i should be talking about thingsof a more festive nature shey..na u sabi.

Lets just sey am looking ahead...i know most of yawl dont want any yeye boi or yeye girl right now cause u dont want anyone making excessive demands like "take me to silverbird! take me to the palms! take me to city mall...i resemble ur papa!...ur papa don take u go there first!..oloju ko ko ro.Anyways am just trying to look ahead..u know next year...this is more like how not to toast a girl and how to toast a girl..

First of all those fools that don't know it's disrespectful to just walk up to a chic on the road and hold her hand and sey "hey baby!"...hells no..where do i know ur hand is coming from...for all i know u might have an unholy alliance with ur balls...and when i fall ur hand u'll start saying "you no even fine sef"....shey u get apolo for eye the time u grab my hand.U no even see as u be sef....u never go check top 10 worwor list sey u dey untop alongside shrek and obasanjo...idiyoot!!!....ok i agree i no fine...but i still dont want ur leprechaun looking ass touching me okay..It's very wrong and disrespectul when u didnt see her on allen road..One money miss road like this was parking his car and wanted to grab my hand...i was like "wetin go cause all that one"...if 2 sey i get small acid for bag now...na another story we go dey talk...one day when u hold nneka the pretty serpent and ur hand no gree comot..na then u go know..

Dey look face- now when u see a girl dress like she fought with a rainbow...colour colour..dey do spe spe ....twisting waist..make up and all...dressig scandalously...don't approach her(not because she's any higher than u) but cause u urself know the kind of guys she likes...u know sey she don already use her x-ray eyes scope the two ten naira's wey dey ur pocket..why do u want to embarass urself...find someone who u know doesn't have her eyes up in the sky...cause when u approach her and she shoves u into gutter u'll be lamenting...

Dont be calling a girl from afar like how u call a dog shouting like a maniac...."siiiiiii, sister sister!...if u can't walk up to her and talk like a normal human being then just fashi...its embarassing...its annoying and its not just nice.

Now girls like confidence...like a guy that can walk up to her and say "hey what's up,i've been chasing u from maryland(na lie o). to V.I..i saw u before u boarded that bus and even though i have an important meeting i just had to meet u.And boy are u worth the trouble.And me whenever i want something i always go for it and baby i want you"..lol...

you'll see how she'll just start blushing like an ode...well it depends sha...if u resemble cricket she can just hiss and walkaway but if u be fine boi....it's all over.Yes as sad and shallow as it is,looks matter at times.But sometimes confidence can be so sexy looks don even matter so it's worth the try...

Or u can do lil romantic things..request her favorite song when she's listening...just be creative..I know certain naija guys wont know romance if it gave them a flying drop kick...but just think outside the box.

oh yeah another nice way is sending a friend..a.k.a(machinery)..i honestly think its a compliment cause if u think about it the dude is in such awe of u that he couldnt even come himself.Although some girls might think it's wimpy and he lacks confidence so it has its advantages and disadvantages..It happened to me once but instead i acted like a total doufuss...i was feeling like some hotshot..cause i dismissed the guy he sent...and i shouldnt have spoken to him like that..if elt bad afterwards and apologised sha...i was angry the guy he sent was hotter than him sha..i think i just saw him briefly but if i pass him today i can't recognise him..but he'll be like thats the bitch i told i liked that dissed me...am sorry o!

oh the "text admirer thingie"....go thru the pains of getting her number from a friend of hers and finding out some things that she likes (like looking for expo to her heart)and sorta start flirting all the fone...including some of things u've found out about her.It'd be sweet.And then u guys arrange to meet when u feel uv finally goten to know each other a tad bit better...

Arrghh!!! sometimes i wish i was a boy.

there's another annoying things guys do,they'll stand one place and when u pass they'll make a comment.

Like usually when i walk around there's always someone that'll say "i like ur height"...and ill say thank u but in my mind ill be like "ehn be liking it now"....like is that all u got...or "I like big girls" and just walk away....if u want to toast..toast!! stop making side comments up and down.

As for me if u really want to impress me, u just have to humiliate urself a lil,if u just see me anywhere just break into justin timberlake's song "i can see us holding hands,walking on the beach........" and start dancing to it.Not caring who's looking or how stupid u look then and then and i swear i'll just be folowing u...ill even throw my celibacy vow out the window..lol..yeah right....i know someone people are doind waka to me now saying "shey i wan marry u"...duz are my terms o...if u no like am...carry urself comot..afterall there are many fishes in the sea..

Now some chicks don't need to much toasting...u can always get ur fly ass car...and sprinkle a couple of dollars on ur car seats and stop when u see her on the road...she'll just get in...no questions asked...

well to be serious the key is just to be CREATIVE,CONFINDENT and remember rejection is not the end of the world...It hurts like a muda...but we all need a lil rejection once in a while...lol...happy toasting in 2007!

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Sun, 17 Dec 2006 13:36:34 GMT

Christmas is eight days from today....yeeee!!!! okay that ye!!! is fake.I generally have a blah attitude about the whole festive season so forgive me for being scrooge but christmas just doesn't feel as good as when i was little.I was making a fone call at a call centre yesterday and two small kids came to buy something..one of them was like "Buy banger now(u know those alakoba friends) and the other one was like "Mummy mi sope kin ra ororo,o ni kin ra banger(my mummy said i should buy groundnut oil,your saying i should buy banger)..."banger ko,bangin ni"....lol..i wanted to die...i wanted to buy the banger for the buggers but i didnt have doe on me...usually everybody's gearing up for the festive season,banger throwing would have started since august..but this year..i can count how many bangers...i've heard..there's no money in town o! I remember my banger throwing days,we spare no expense.And on christmas eve me, my brothers and all the estate kids would have a banger war...then when we are tired we'd go and eat and come back again...till like 2:00am..those were the days.

Every christmas like 7 days before the 31st we always do this prayer and fasting programme...we'll pray every three hours and fast till like 3pm,for my parents 6pm dunno if we're going to do it this christmas...but it makes going out very difficult cause u have to be home in the next three hours...sometimes it's stressful sha but what can i do.The praying part can be tiring but the fasting haba!...christmas again...still waiting on the folks to see what it's gonna be this year.

So have you purchased your christmas clothes and done your christmas hair..lol...hmmm u know u have.If you go to yaba/tejuosho market this season its then you'll see the association of yaba hair makers all lined up.."Sister come and do ur hair,aunty come and do your yair, fine sister come and do your air,sister won't you do your head"...different different pronounciations.Or those ibo yaba bois...they've already started tormenting me anytime am going to school cause i have to stop off at yaba...they've taken their trade from inside tej. to the streets..e remain small for them to enter go slow.They'll chase me and almost tie the jeans round my neck "Big sister this one is good, follow me to my shop...i have your size...u know ur size is unique..it can stretch,it is hard and it is long...only! you for no stop there...u for kuku talk sey e dey grant three wishes..oniranu! i just tell them i have class and hurry off.

Hmmm..my friend sheila's back in naija for christmas,and my other friend who i havnt seen since jss3 is supposed to land.We used to be like the three musketeers,we'd probably do a reunion before the year runs out....and it'd be like old times again..only this time no one will be making fun of us like sec school..lol..sall good.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE.

Friday, December 15, 2006

Fri, 15 Dec 2006 12:12:38 GMT

LAIDE vs LIGHDEH: The life of an extroverted introvert.

( I asked my brother-toye, is my personality at home different from when am outside and he was like At home ur just a witch,outside ur a shy witch and i was like ill show u how much of a witch i am when i put some
dried pepper in d coffee am going to make for you.)

I am an introvert first before any other thing, alot of people tend to misunderstand introverts , and when I meet such people they will usually either write me off as aloof and uninteresting, or get offended that I don't want to talk to them, or regard me as a weird and fascinating specimen in which case I will have to fend off endless questions about why I'm so quiet.which i absolutely detest because i know i am not quiet i just don't feel the need to yap consistently unless i have something to say. And there's also the fact that i am extremely shy,i know it doesn't come across in my blog that's because when am online and when i write i am LIGHDEH...the more extroverted version of myself.In my case, I've actually got both introverted and extroverted tendancies. Most of the time, interacting with other people is draining (though usually enjoyable), and being on my own is relaxing. Spending time on my own is usually good, but too much time in that sort of company starts getting to me after a while. It's just that the ratio that I'm comfortable at is still on the introverted end of things.

Nevertheless, I enjoy surrounding myself with people that are more outgoing and extroverted than myself,because they make me talk and bring me out of my shell(more like cocoon).An LAIDE(introverted part of me) i find social situations draining, and i find being alone gives me energy whereas LIGHDEH(extroverted part of me) finds being alone draining, and gets energy by interacting with others. Being shy is about being uncomfortable in social situations, especially those where you're meeting new people.When i meet someone new i am LAIDE because am still very shy am still trying to figure out what the person is all about,what the person wants from me,if i can trust the person and theres a tendency not to want to open up to them till i feel very comfortable in their midst and then fun LIGHDEH comes out and that can't believe i am the same person.Introverts are not boring people,i know many introverts that are fun to be with.

In my first year in university i only made like 5 friends out of 165 people in my class some of which i pass everyday and don't even bother to holler at.People mistook my introversion for being a snob and therefore thought it best to let me be and you know an introvert never makes the first move so i guess thats how first year ended and i never really got to know alot of people.It probably was also because i have to know someone has my best interest at hand before i show u all of me.

I enjoy my alone time i really do,but i also enjoy having some fun once in a while.I've always felt like i had this dr. Jekyll and ms hyde thing going on.For as long as i can remember even way back in sec. school(boarding house) id be the only girl at the back(love the back seat) quiet,shy and reserved watching all the heffers trying to gain all the guys attention and the guys acting the fool as usual..And then back at dormitory its almost like on my way to dorm i stumbled on someones stash of paraga and shacked the hell out of the thing...Cause in dorm am wildin out and making everyone laugh with all my stories..putting toothpaste in people's eyes when they are asleep.causing wahala ...doing things you would never think i could and a totally different person from class.I used to feel i was pretending,and was disgusted with myself but ive come to realise that both personalities are me.Its all a process and when i meet people for the first time am LAIDE.Analysing,studying and when i feel comfortable with the person or the people that surround me i let my hair down and LIGHDEH comes out but that doesnt mean am still not analysing and studying.So when people start telling me,why cant u be more like ur online personality quite frankly it saddens me cause i cant even compare to my personality-how insane is that..Laide and lighdeh are two sides of me.

So will people quit telling me to be more like my online personality..am an introvert first and you just have to accept me as that first before i can show u my extroverted side.

And introverts are fun,study people before you assume.Not everybody likes running around like a chicken with their head cut off and being talkative and all..Introverts aren't boring or weird..they just love some alone time.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Tue, 12 Dec 2006 11:00:57 GMT

ARSENAL PEEPS...

ARSEnal fan's your team is a disgrace and they played rubbishly against chelSCUM...although i was for u guys..cause i hate chelsea more than arsenal... 4 or 5 years ago..they weren't shit..opelope ibrahamovich..and that arrogant mourinho....arrrrrggggh!!!..and the fake fans....but they played far better than ur asses and should have won...that michael essien goal was superb...yawl shud step it up abeg...yeye people...chelSCUM missed so many chances...yall r lucky..una put juju for ur post....

RED DEVILS FO LIFE...did u see our match with man.city...its too much for us...

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Thu, 07 Dec 2006 16:16:07 GMT

I came across one of my sandals that i have history with....and when i thought about how the sandals saved me from embarassing myself one sunday like this i just laughed.....let me gist u.

When i told my friends this story they cracked up at my expense.Okay i was 16 and going for foundation classes at my church (MFM) for three months before i could get baptised and my mum has always been a T.F.C lover,i
dont know anyone who goes there like my mum.She ought 2 be their number one customer and every sunday after
church we must sha land T.F.C at lagos island.Anyways this particular sunday as we are heading to church.She
asks me to pack like three of my pupcys coolers.I thought nothing of it o,me sef i was sha packing
thinking she wanted to give it out or something.During my foundation class i just kept dreaming of
the barbeque chicken and jollof rice with salad i was going to devour,massacre.

After the class i met up with her and she was like "Laide, when we get to T.F.C u'll take those coolers and buy rice and all.I staggered small and almost fell down and had to reach for a chair to regain balance.SAY WHAT!
Did i hear this woman properly.And i was like why cant we just buy it in packs and she said she didnt want to.And then i offeredtop pay for the packs.Chei!Big mistake.."Did i tell u i couldnt pay for it,are u a fool.Ive been buying packs before u were born (and d award 4 d best buyer of packs in Nigerian eateries goes to)
you must be very stupid,go to the car and wait for me i need to see someone.Idiot! olori burtuku stupid useless girl.

All the way to the car i just kept thinking. Which kain wahala be dis.While am trying to piece together what remains of My already battered rep this woman wants to doti me like this.Shey na mama put wey i go dey cari cooler.i wan buy agoyin!!.ooooooooohhhhh!!!
.Mba it cannot happen,dis woman musnt know me sha.I started thinking of a way to get out of it,afta like 30mins i just stared at my sandals..She cant Send me in with no shoes..At least i think she cant,i found one blade in my bag,took one sandal and did the thing strong thing..I swear ul b proud of me.It was so dismantled that anyone will know that it didnt just cut,haba! Na trailer jam me.I chilled for her and refused to tell her about my sandal till we get to T.F.C incase she decides to stop at a shoemaker,but the way i did that thing i doubt if any shoemaker could do anything..The sandal was in Gods hands now or she could stop and buy one yeye bathroom slippers and say i should manage it.And she was wearing heels,unless she wants me to fall down yakata and pour the rice on a customers head she wont give me her shoes to wear.We got to T.F.C and she said take the nylon and go inside and buy..

first of all i pretended as if i was asleep,the punch she gave my stomach ehn....wake up jare!

As she just finished yarning what she wanted me to buy i just brought out my joker and showed her my sandals that i fell In one gutter near the car..She just looked at me,i was scared she was going to leap into the back seat and start strangulating me.But she just mumbled some stuff,cursed my life and went to buy it herself.Lol..But i dunno why i felt bad afterwards.Anyhow sha i said i wasnt going to eat out of anything why we couldnt just eat in as usual i dont know.We drove home in silence.

Later she sent my barbeque chicken and some rice..Lol.. I didnt refuse it o.

i then decided not to throw away those sandals,so it could remind of the day i defied mummy...yes ke!

Friday, December 01, 2006

Fri, 01 Dec 2006 10:09:21 GMT

Public transport tales.

Public transport in Nigeria is very dangerous,scary and is something i would love to avoid all together.With accidents almost every day and the pathetic state of the buses and the bus drivers who speed like death awaits them and drive recklessly like they are the king of the roads...but wetin man pikin go do.If u don't have a car like most Nigerians and you need to get somewhere you'll just pray to God almighty and hope that the driver didn't shack paraga that morning.I am one very parnoid person when i enter buses and i have every reason to be scared with the tales of accidents every other day and kidnappings,robberies and throwing passengers out of moving buses and ritual killings...who wouldnt be.

Last week i was heading to school(unilag) so there i was at the bustop waiting,scrutinizing bus after bus heading to my destination till i found the one i was satisfied with.it wasn't until i had entered that i started regretting why i did.The bus had four passengers in it and the driver and the condutor and i was the only female sitting at the back.One by one the men started staring at me and i just started getting scared,every one of them looked back and kept on stealing glances at me...i was like mo gbe o! which kain gbese be dis...but i didnt panic.

It didnt even cross my mind that they were scoping me or whatever i just thought they had to be ritualists....and they were looking at me like "hmmmm, a ti ri eran to tobi(we have seen big meat), prophetess esubiyi will be pleased with this one"....chei i swear to you i was scared and then i remembered good ol' MFM deliverance days and started calling prayer points off the top of my head..in my mind o! i was praying like no man's business

" Any body that wants to use me for rituals,die by fire!"

i pleaded the blood of Jesus too...cause my dad always tells me to do that..At one point sef i pretended as if i was sleeping...to hear maybe they'll sa "ehen o ti sun,juju ehn ti n si se" she is sleeping the voodoo has started working) so that i'll just fly out of the bus....lol...

I just kept studying them,if they were talking to theirselves a lil too much then they probably know each other.then again they could be acting..the scary thing was that the conductor wasn't allowing other passengers in,it was as if he was choosing who he wanted to enter....maybe i was just paranoid but that was how it seemed...i pleaded the blood like never before...my mother would be proud of me...but when we moved a little bit further and he allowed other passengers enter freely i began to breathe a sigh of relief...and then turns out one of the guys that was looking at me actually knew me...phew! but i was still alert o!...just because he knew me nko-afterall they say "eni to mo eyan lo n se eyan"(it's someone that u know that'll do u in-hey i hope i didnt just murder the yoruba language there)...I felt much better later on sha...but Lord knows id never been that scared in my life before...i was so so sure there was something shady about them.

Life is tough enough without having to worry about if people are ritual killers of if the woman with marks all over her body sitting next to u is a witch.I dont fancy that headache.

And the way the bus drivers drive....the other day this very idiotic okada rider was rubbing his eyes on express and just swerved infront of the speeding bus,chineke! Lord have mercy.....i thought it was over...i just thank God there was no vehicle at our back..like those huge long vehicles if not your beloved exschoolnerd would be in heaven(lol)...Amin o! right now...cause if i wasn't squashed in the back,sitting on one butt cheek and reaching for air in a hole in the ceiling of the bus i wanted to come out and give the okada rider a beating myself...but the conductor did that perfectly.

They speed anyhow,they break rules at will...their buses aren't properly maintained...i just know i can't enter a bus and pass third mainland bridge....i dont even trust myself on that bridge thats already vibrating sef.The only route i know is to my school..any other place i dont even want to use a bus to...the road to my school is very staright so no corner corner....thats probably one of the reasons i dont get out much.I've been saying i am going to learn how to drive for 2 years and just haven't gotten to it...God knows i'll never be satisfied on the road except i am the one driving...

May God help us o!

Things that make me go ARGGGGGGGH!!!!

Mon, 27 Nov 2006 10:36:48 GMT

Every normal human being that has blood flowing through his/her veins has certain things that makes them angry and leaves them saddened like poverty,suffering,war,aids,suffering,double chins and paris hilton.Thats a given

but this list am about to compile are things that happen in everyday life that just make me want to tear my hair out of my head and go ARRRRGGGGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!....Hence the title.

here goes nothing....

1.people who dont understand the concept of wearing a half-top.let me know explain it to yall.

pot belly-no half top
belly button the size of a golf ball-no half top
tire like love handles- no half top
craw-craw,eczema,stretchmarks- no half top

if u lack any of the above-go ahead and wear that half-top proudly

u now get the koko.You wont die if you dont wear a half-top but the rest of the world will..so please respect yourself.

2. people who think they know it all- well all i have to say to these set of annoying twits is that "people who think they know it all really annoy does of us who do".lol

3.People who dont flush- Biko no...u can desecrate the poor toilet with the unholy contents of your stomach but when its time to flush its too hard for u.I can stab someone who doesnt flush.Did i tell u my shit wants to be friends with yours? take ur time oi!

4. when someone asks me "Dont u know ur a girl".or you know ur a girl,if u cant cook ur useless...no i dont! E.g

yesterday i mistakenly spilt some milk on the table..i had no idea cause it was under my cup..and my dad called me and started lecturing me and when he said that "dont u know ur a girl" i went mad.

am sorry o because i am a girl i can't make mistakes again...i can' mistakenly spill sometin...but its okay for a guy right....

nonsense...lemme hear someone other than my father say that to me.if i needed 2 reassure myself about how much of a girl i am, i knw were 2check.

5.Fussy and uptight peeps.

6.Male chauvinists who believe women are walking talkng breathing vaginas.
Ds is 06.We r strong independent.Smart.Sucesful.Hardwrking.Homemaking.Walking
talking vaginas.

7. Hav u eva noticed that when a female musician isnt selling or wants 2 boost sales shes wearing a pant and scantily clad in her nxt video.Like mariah careh.friends of M.C please advise her to go and shoot that porn video she has been practicing for and get it out of her system already...if u need to naked urself to sell then ur not that talented..look at ms.keys

8.A group of retards known as "ARSENAL FANS" all i can say in NTOI! sticks tongue out...yall r rubbish this season..this set of asses are known to make a whole lotta noise about nothing...at one point we didnt hear anything apart from 49unbeaten...now i hardly hear them talk cause their beloved "ASS-AN-ALL" are just playing rubbish this season...

9.old men in their 40's hollering at me- it's so so annoying.
like these two jobless farts that were harassing me infront of

my hostel.I was chilling with my friend who was talking to this

boy and they parked in their car and were like "go and dress

lets go out"...lol...i laughed i said i wasn't interested...they

were now begging that we'll be back now...they were just

saying rubbish..couldnt speak english at one point one of

them wa slike "twinkle twinkle star"..i was like shey dis one

don mad...i was like go back to the dibia that did that juju for

u...slap him first then collect ur money..d juju is not

working...am not going to be ur ticket to millionarie-dom.

10.People who always want- i always get people like that.I am a

very generous person when i have i give.But i's funny how

the same people i give always have excuses whenever i ask

which is very often...yall need to quit that sh*t.

11. Frapas- let me explain what a frapas is...its when ur underwear enters ur ass and is so uncomforatble and u can't pull it out in full glare of people...very annoying.

12. Meat stuck in my teeth...i can run mad

13. All my mum's antics- dont even get me started on this one.

14. Continous shelling- if u can't speak english is it by force...speak the one u can speak now...dont destroy my eardrums for me abeg.

15. People who go about judging others- which means every friggin person cause we all do it.

16. People so fake, pamela andersons boobs has got nothing on them.

17.Nigericans or wanna-gonna people,those ones that speak like there's hot yam in their mouth.Give it up..your ass hasn't seen inside ABC bus talkless of plane.

18.People who are so quick to make assumptions.....ode haven't u heard that if u assume u make an ass of u and me.(whatever that means).but u mostly sha.

19. Unilag students- the ones that are mindless drones and sole purpose in life is to follow follow..monkey see monkey do.

20.Amebo's..please get a life.

21. People who say one thing and mean another.

22.Peeps who read my blog and can't leave a comment.or a message in the box on the right side..you use me(read ma shit) and then dump me.thats how it feels.

23. having to eat eba,pounded yam,semovita,lafun,fufu,rice,beans,plaintain- am friggin tired!

24. When i complain that i have to walk to somewhere far or climb some humongus stairs and someone says "you need it"....hell no! please dont even say that to me anymore...it's almost as if your saying..what are u complainig for get ur fat ass moving....i can slap u.

25.People who talk about things that make them go arrgggh like anyone cares.

look out for things that me me go OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWHHH!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Wed, 22 Nov 2006 13:32:45 GMT

LOL!

I was talking on the phone with my friend-mayowa one lonely insomnia-having night or early morning like this. Our conversations range from downright looney to serious stuff so we basically talk about all and sundry. This particular night or early morning-I forget which one, it was sha dark outside. Our conversation drifted to if I would have surgery seeing as I am clearly obsessed with my ikebe size and all and I was like I wasn’t really sure. I can really say never but right now I don’t think I would (like I have the dough).

I then went on to say but I’d definitely buy those inflatable padded stuff or whatever that u wear in ur underwear or wherever to give the impression that u are packing….and then there was like this dead silence from his side which was followed by ”are u serious, that’s..that’s really weird”….and he keeps ranting about how weird it was…and I was like biko! What do u think I am talking about sef? And he’s like he can’t say and all…but being the prurient minded person I am I was like does it start with a D or V and he was like yes….and I bursted out laughing….so all the time I was like I’ll wear it in my underwear all day ..he thought I was talking about a DILDO…. Lol….am sure he was like what sort of weird freaky human being am I talking too..till I explained what I meant.

And he was like imagine being stopped by the police and they find a dildo in ur possession……I can imagine…and imagine I will..

Police: Park! Park!

Me: visibly shaken

Police: License and Regis (lol na yankee) more like where ya papers!

Me: shuffling thru my bag 4 my papers, empties contents of bag on passengers sit and out pops a dildo.

Police: staggers and falls backwards *screams for assitance* Oc! Oc! Con c o!

Me: wishing the ground would open, I though I hid it in that box in the hidden compartment in my ceiling.

O.C: Jesus Christ! Madam get down! Get down!..so u are one of those people that go about touching people and making their private parts disappear. Oya kneel down there.

Me: WTF??? No oga, its not what u think, its not real I bought it.

Police: Even worse, you’re into buying and selling of body parts, after we don naked u you’ll confess everything when we get to station.

OC: Chike bring that thing out.

Police: Make I carry hand touch am

OC: if u like carry mouth touch am, just bring it and put it in that nylon for evidence.

Me: Oga pls, it’s not real, its not from a human being…I bought it from a store…

*crowd is slowly gathering*

“Make we burn am jare”..someone shouts…otokoto

T.V crew passes and see’s commotion…stops to interview me

Reporter: Madam is it true a man’s P.P was found in ur possession

Me: it’s not real, haven’t u people ever heard of a dildo

Reporter: A WHAT!

Me: crying..A dildo! A dildo…a friggin DILDO!!!!!!!!!!!

Reporter: nah! So what is it meant for

Me: er,um…well….the dildo….u know what just take me to the station.

In naija admitting you have a dildo is almost as disgraceful as pulling and “anita-hogan”

Or if my mum found it…….

After she has finished dousing it with anointing oil and burnt it, ill just go and pack my load and walk up to my parents.

Me: “oya officially disown me so I can be going…no need to talk to much”

If that doesn’t work…ill just assume a crouching position and start taking off my clothes while saying some incoherent rubbish…. and laughing excessively..that way their focus will be more on solving my madness that the abomination they found in my possession.

Knowing my mum, she’ll first use the pestle to break my head…then worry about my madness..

May our parents never find dildo’s or blow-up dolls in our possession.Amen!